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In France "What I should have said?" is known as L'Esprit d'Escalier:  Wit of the Staircase. The knack for coming up with the perfect reply  just a moment too late, once the door has been shut. . . Standing there, all alone, with egg on your face your lips slowly forming the words:  "Yes, but . . ." 

And boy, do I have a bunch of those saved up!  Waiting for that door to fly open–ready with my zinger–lemme at that second chance . . .

Yeah . . . almost never happens.

But wait! Americans love second chances! We love Mulligans! Extra takes. Spell-Check. Driving tests! Susan Lucci! (Look her up). It’s all there in a wonderful movie called Groundhog Day (Jour de la Marmotte for our French-Canadian friends). Don’t rent Jour de la Chacal. (Something else entirely).

Hear me out: In Groundhog Day, Bill Murray’s character is a despicable, jaded, big-city TV weatherman, who gets stuck reporting from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, then reliving that one unremarkable day, day after day after day. Every morning the alarm clock rings, Sonny & Cher sing I got you, Babe from the radio and everything, everyone–from the Mayor to the groundhog–is exactly as they were his first morning in the town. All the things he fouled up that day he keeps fouling up, because the problem isn’t in the events–it’s him. Eventually he realizes he has been given the opportunity to make things right, by acting differently; granted the grace to re-live that one day . . . perfectly.

All right, this is an art blog, right?

Right You Are. However, as artists, we also are (at times): vendors, entrepreneurs, negotiators, salesmen, packers, personnel directors, deliverymen, marketers, publicists . . . you name it. We are constantly thrown into situations and conversations we have had before: remember the customer who insisted she should not have to pay sales tax? Remember the man who felt you owed him money for painting his Kentucky Derby winner on spec? The decorator who wanted a kickback? The surgeon’s wife who thinks your work is way too expensive? The charities that wheedle you to donate a painting? For free? “But it’s for a good cause–plus you can deduct it from your income tax.”

Argh . . . that last one.

We lie awake at night replaying those conversations in our head. “Am I a bad person? I must be, to turn down a charity . . . ”

I can’t give you all the answers in one short blog. You have to do some of the work, after all. But I can tell you this: after all this time I only get stumped by situations that are truly new–and those have grown increasingly rare.

Here are some easy ‘what you should have saids’ (always delivered with a smile):

Sales Tax: “All the Governor’s chillin’ get to pay sales tax – you AND me; it’s a privilege, don’t you think? Clothes, groceries, gas in your car – and artwork – are not exempt. I send your taxes on to the State every quarter, without fail.” (To the "New at This': If you don’t have a Sales Tax number–you really need to get one).

Painting a Derby Winner: “Figures (including horses) performing in a public arena can be photographed and published in magazines." Tell the owner this: "Have you tried collecting from Sports Illustrated yet? No? Well, I’ll pay whatever they pay.”

Decorator kickbacks: “No.”

Surgeon’s Wife: “Yes. It is expensive . . . if you think of it only as a painting. It’s pretty inexpensive as an heirloom, though. Like that baby-grand piano you have over there, it will be something to cherish, and to hand down your grandchildren.”

Charities: “I support several charities of my own choosing. I would be happy to donate some amount to yours . . . I know it’s difficult to call up people and ask them for things . . . you may not know this, yourself, but only the buyer of the artwork gets the charitable deduction––not the artist. The IRS only allows me to deduct the cost of my materials – which, of course, I already write off.”

Try it – it’s fun! "The next time he/she says this . . . I will say . . . ”

This advice isn’t intended to be "Scrooge 101.” It is offered as a means to stand your ground. An honest price asked, for your time, from their disposable income. Learn to anticipate your (potential) customers' objections, to overcome them, ignore them, or to counter them, easily and professionally, without loss of face by either side. Then you and Bill (and Punxsutawney Phil) can get some sleep. And I'll see you next time.